Chapter 0 - 45 Days With You

I hate having regret in my life. As a girl who’s having this kind of burden, I just can’t explain to myself why, of all people, I have this feeling that I don’t have much time to consider myself as living. I don’t have much time to reconcile myself to treating goodness as a part of living in this world.

All of them pitied me, all of them seeing me as a weak woman who only had a short life span. I don’t even have a choice because that was my way of living my life for however many days to come.

“This should be better for both of us, Taym. I don’t have time left in this world. I know this is not the happy ending we’re going for, but at least I’m trying to be strong because I have known my entire life that you exist. That they’re having us exist,” I said as I cried because there’s no hope. “Hindi ko alam kung aabot pa ba ako ng umaga.”

Apparently yes, there’s no hope that I’ll be able to come see him in the morning with him. Parang ayaw kung tanggapin na sa isang hinanga ko lang mawawala iyong lahat na ayaw ko pang bitawan.

“Magpagaling ka, Za, Remember we have a plan for tomorrow? Diba, ‘wag kang mawalan ng pagasa. I’m here… and I’ll always be here if you want to. Kahit ngayon a-ayaw pa kitang b-bitawan.”

He said while his voice broke.

I hold his hand, as this will be the last time I hold him like this. I cried because I love him. I will miss him. There’s no way to escape this reality I must face. Kung meron baka pwede pa akong kumuha ng palungit kahit ilang sandali lang na makasama siya.

I already accepted the fact that my life would not last long. My life will be very near. Tanggap ko iyon pero meron sa puwang sa puso ko na Hindi. I don’t want to leave here because I have him here. I have my family, my friends, and my relatives to stay with.

“I want to stay, but… there’s no way for it,” I know it would be selfish of me to leave you without hesitating myself and without having a good relationship with you, Taymer. “I love you; there is no such word to define how much I love you,” I said while sniffing. “Hindi ko kaya na magpaalam sa kanya.”

Saying goodbye is the least that I don’t want to tell him. ‘Cause goodbye would be the end of everything we had been through and everything in between for us. There’s such time for that; at least for now, I’ll be able to devote my remaining hours to him.

“K-Kaya mo na akong i-iwan?” He asked a question that broke my heart into small pieces.

I kissed his hand as I held him tighter. I don’t want to lose him. Ang sakit sakit sa puso. Kasabay ng panghihina na nararamdaman ko ay ang sakit na galing mula sa dibdib ko. Hearing those words hits me differently.

“I don’t know… I didn’t know,” I said while trying to confront him. “Y-you know I’ll be in the right hand if that’s what happens, right?” I asked him.

Ni isang salita ay wala siyang sinabi; umiyak lang siya ng umiyak. Like how many years I’ve been here. More than 10 years, but being with him is just like forever… that I’m scared to lose him.

I’m afraid of death… and though I’m scared too, sometimes we need to accept reality and face the outcome. Rason kung bakit tayo nabubuhay para patunayan natin ang ating sarili. Maybe I’m done flexing myself. I’m done with my mission, which I’ve already accomplished. Kaya siguro kailangan ko nang magpaalam dahil iyon lang ang oras at panahon na ibinigay sa akin. The world is selfish. I want to live one more time, but the world is against my will. Maybe I should face this as well, as I just fought the best battle I’ve ever had.

“G-Gusto mo… na m-magpahinga?” He asked me, still never wanting to let his hand on mine.

Hindi ako sumagot o tumango kasi kung gusto ko… matagal ko nang ginawa pero nandito pa rin ako lumalaban. This is an aspect of life and the positivity of still fighting. I might have more chances to live in this world, but because of my cruel self, I contradict all of those chances. I changed for love.. and I never regretted it because that was the reason why I’m still hoping that there’s hope… na may pagasa pa para sa akin na wala nang ilalagyan.

“Y-You want me to be here until your last—” he said, but his voice cracked. “Breath?” he asked, full of courage.

I nod

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