The Wanted Alpha

Chapter 9 - Coward

Ethan

I left the cells and prison grounds swiftly, not acknowledging any of the guards I tore past on my exit. My breathing was still shallow and I could feel the telltale signs of a panic attack, threatening to overtake me. As I made it far enough away where I wouldn't be seen, I doubled over with my hands on my knees trying to run through the breathing exercises my therapist had taught me. 

Fuck…what had I done?!

I attacked her...I hurt her...my mate.

I was a monster...and a coward. I had just run away, leaving her there on the ground, in pain and alone. 

I had been able to find my fated mate for 9 years and I had just ruined it in 9 seconds. I wanted to go back, to beg for her forgiveness, but I couldn't bear the look of fear she had given me.

I was such a fucking coward. Two years and I thought I had started to put all of this behind me but I hadn't changed. I was a coward then and I was a coward now. All the work I had done with Dr. Barlow on self-blame had just flown out of the window. My mother had died in childbirth and I always felt some sort of guilt about it; she died bringing me into the world, she died because of me. And I still blamed myself for my father's death; he was dead because of someone I brought into our lives. In the months I'd seen my therapist, she had helped in easing the guilt but it had never truly vanished. Now it was back with a roaring vengeance.

This was different though, I deserved this guilt and self-condemnation right now.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and wiped it quickly away, taking a final deep breath in and standing up straight. Jude came into my field of vision looking equal parts pissed, concerned and determined.

"Ethan! What the fuck?!" he hissed at me.

I really didn't need him coming down on me, I already felt ashamed enough as it was.

"Just, don't…Jude. I already feel like shit" I said leaning my head back closing my eyes.

"...is she...is she ok?" I tentatively asked. 

It was dumb question, I knew she wouldn't be 'ok'. She would be terrified. She had been hunted down, knocked out, put in a cell and then attacked...all by her own mate…

Why the hell would she ever accept me now? She would reject me and I couldn't blame her. My wolf howled in pain in my mind that she was hurt by our hand. We should have protected her from harm, not caused it.

"After a fashion, yeah" he spoke softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

Carrick's wolf appeared beside us and he shifted to his human form, looking slightly out of breath.

"Ok what happened, you told me to get my ass down here asap?" he directed his question at Jude.

I sighed, throwing my head back. Great, these two were now going to want to babysit me.

"Don't even start, Ethan" Jude narrowed his eyes, pointedly, at me "none of us want a repeat of last time."

'Last time' being when I went missing from the pack for a month after my father's death. These two had found me and brought me back. I had then spent the following eight months in a pretty dark place. While I barely functioned and acted as the world's shittest Alpha, Jude and Carrick, along with the help of their fathers, had had to run the pack and look after me, trying to convince me into going to therapy; which I had eventually relented on.

"Ok, will someone tell me what the fuck is going on?" Carrick stated while looking between Jude and I.

"The rogue...she's my mate" I breathed out.

Carrick's eyes widened "you're shitting me" and I noticed his gaze shift to Jude. They were obviously mind-linking and I knew my beta was telling him the fucked up crap I'd just done.

His gaze returned to me in a serious expression "ya don't like making things easy do you? Look, what's done is done...I think what everyone needs to do now is take a few minutes to marinate. We can't leave her in the cells, we should make up a nice room for her in the pack house for starters" Carrick mused.

"No!" I rushed out "I don't want any unmated males near her!" I almost growled.

She was gloriously gorgeous and I had both hurt her and probably pissed her off...I didn't want any males sniffing around and taking advantage of her predicament. I also wanted her somewhere safe, away from me…

"...and what if I hurt her again...I don't trust myself anymore…" I trailed off, looking away.

"Hey, I know it's hard, but don't do this to yourself. Not again" Jude tried to console me "we'll leave her where she is for now, then."

"I want her guarded at all times in there, by mated wolves" I stressed "and I want it known to them, if anything happens to her I'll have their fucking heads!" I couldn't stop the protective dominance flowing from me...if only it had shown up a few minutes ago.

"I know just the two, your brother-in-law" Jude said, looking at Carrick "and Bryce Fuller."

They were good choices, both mated, pretty intelligent and highly skilled warriors. I just hoped they wouldn't ask too many questions at being asked to guard a cell, which would normally be a task well below their capabilities. I nodded in confirmation of my Beta's choices.

"And I don't want her given the basic rations we give the inmates, she gets good food from the pack kitchens" she had looked far too thin, she needed care…fuck, this guilt was going to eat me alive!

"Wouldn't have given her anything less, Alpha" Carrick smirked.

"I'll sort some stuff out for her too, like clothes and shower things. I take it I'm not on the unmated male ban list?" Jude asked sarcastically.

My Gamma snorted, looking at me "I think you're more at risk from Jude than she would be" making me grimace, and Jude roll his eyes. Even if he was straight, I would have trusted my Beta with my life and especially with my mate.

"Thanks for making this weird" said Jude, earning a grin from Carrick.

"Did you get her name?" I asked my Beta. Not having her name or scent was driving me insane.

"No, she flat out refused to answer."

"I'll take the things to her, try and spend a little bit of time with her. Maybe I can get her talking?" I nodded at Carrick's suggestion, if I went I'd most likely terrify her again.

"Maybe make sure you got some pants on first though" Jude indicated with his hand. My Gamma was still naked from having just shifted.

"Like I'm going in there with my junk hanging out!" 

The two of us chuckled at his indignation.

"Thanks guys...seems like you're always saving my ass" these two men had stood by me even when I lashed out at them.

The three of us came together and pressed our foreheads against each other briefly. Outside of family and mates, it was a deep and meaningful gesture only shared by the closest of friends. We weren't brothers by blood, but we were by bond.

"Always got ya back, man" Carrick slapped me on my shoulder.

The three of us headed back to the pack house. My Gamma went to get clean and dressed while Jude sorted out some things for my mate. He insisted I go to my office where he met me a few minutes later to go over pack business and our covert investigation into the source of the leak within our pack. I knew he was both keeping an eye on me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid and to keep my mind off of things. Just under an hour later, Carrick mind-linked us to say that he was about to go over to the prison with Bryce. I reminded him that the guards were not to know who she was to me, he had a habit of blabbing by accident.

I hoped he had better luck than Jude had, I desperately wanted her name, to know the littlest thing about her. My wolf Ezra was still mournful at having shut her wolf out who had tried to link with him. She may have taken it as a sign of silent rejection, but it wasn't. He was just overwhelmed...we both were. I prayed to the moon goddess that I hadn't destroyed the gift she had given me.

Chapter 10 - The Wanted Alpha